Larry King confession

Larry King  might have confessed, off-camera of course, that he really wanted to be a hair stylist when he grew up. King, who has been attempting to ask questions for the past 400 years, admitted he was a flaming homosexual who wore suspenders because his body could not support itself after his 338th birthday, and that the fact that he married a go-go dancer was just a show for his many loyal fans. King stated that the last time he changed his clothes was in 1955. Also, Larry admitted the reason he poses as an old woman who asks perverted questions is for image, and because his idol, Bill O'Riley, does the same thing. King even went as far as saying CNN only hired him because its owner lost a bet to Fox. The bet was if King was even human. Fox News believed King was not human and CNN thought he was. Chris Matthews, King's 1,277th lover, stated he was not human thus Fox winning the bet and instead getting to pick bimbos from all over the place while CNN was stuck with Old man King. 

Google is watching you

The Google, the world-wide famous search site, is watching you. Google's satellite imaging now will include images of everyones driveway, so google can see who is taking out the trash or getting the mail in pajamas and who isn't. The folks at google also want to know what ads should appear on your screen based on your interests. This way, those who visit diet food sites can get ads from McDonalds, and those who sites dealing with the environment can see ads for Wal-Mart and other stores who knock down trees. 

Alec Baldwin wins emmy

Former human being and present-day robot Alec Baldwin won an emmy for the show "30 Rock", a show about a reality tv series about a starving prostitute named Tina Fey who finds herself in show biz with the first openly a-sexual Hollywood type, Miss Alec Baldwin ( who really is a-sexual. ) Balwin won because of the fact that people laugh at him. He was called " mirror killer " in high school and went into acting after his idol, himself, decided to.  

AWESRTYUHJ

McDonalds to create a new health menu

For years, they have been touting cheap food and fast-food. But now, McDonalds is trying something new; health food. The cooperate memo states that " if our roast beef is green, it must be healthy" and " we need to put tons of corn syrup in our products, because corn is healthy." A company spokesman confirms that " McDonalds uses the best of everything, everything is hand-picked by cheap labor, and its all natural, the cheap labor doesn't even wash their hands." Film maker Michael Moore, who made a movie about the healthcare industry, says he's disgusted by McDonalds. Moore in his own words; " I am fat, okay. Let me become fat with cheap processed beef and fries that have more oil in them that Saudi Arabia, then give me healthcare. Its how I feel and how America feels." 

Records: Jackson never sang, but danced

It was revealed that Michael Jackson never sang his own songs. He wrote them, but contracted Lawrence Welk to imitate a transgender circus clown while singing pop songs. In 1992, when Welk passed away, MJ has recieved his sex-change operation and was then able to sing on his own, or so he thought. In all of his shows after '92, the year Welk died, Jackson used recordings of Welk and hired some random transgender circus clown to sing for him. As for his dancing, Jackson was talented their; for Jackson spent the first 12 years of his life in a go-go bar. 

Continental Airlines announces " family values " campaign

A spokesperson for Continental Airlines has announced the commercial flight company will hold a " family values " campaign. The spokesman said " Over the past 5 years, we have been able to screw over so many people with smaller seats and higher prices, so we figured we'd try again. We believe that by forcing family members to sit on top of each other while having to eat processed food that tastes like it came out of a sewer, families would then be physically closer together, which would force them to be emotionally closer together. However, we will again be raising our prices to pay for the more seats and less room needed on our planes." 

NJ Governor steps up attacks on GOP challenger

New Jersey - Governor Jon S. Corzine (D-NJ) attacked republican opponent Chris Christie on the campaign trail today on several different fronts. First, Corzine took aim at Christie's mail box, claiming that " Christie has a pink mail box in front of his house, what does that tell us?" The Governor continued and attacked Christie on other fronts, stating " My opponent, Chris Christie, wants to be your governor. All he talks about is issues, what about the personal stuff? He gave his daughter $20 and asked for nothing in return, how can he lead a state in a budget crisis? He isn't as rich as me, so how can he pay off assemblymen to vote for bills he likes? I mean, the guy even bought a watch made in China in 1985, how can we trust him?" Corzine, who is unpopular in his state, said it " was about money, not people." 

Jay Leno gets chin surgery

U.S.- Comedian wanna-be Jay Leno announced on his well-known, little-watched soap opera that he was getting surgery on his chin. " I was born deformed. For instance, the doctor had to re-attach the left half of my brain with the other half using elmer's glue sticks." Leno, who grew up in New Rochele, NY, was often " the butt of everyones jokes." The question now becomes, how did Leno get a chin like that? Leno says "In addition to being deformed, I was stomped on by this evil old lady named David Letterman 15 years ago, which made matters worse." Leno will be undergoing "surgery" at the Greystone Hospital in New Jersey. 

Let Texas Secede!

Austin, TX- Secession was the word of the day at the Texas governor's mansion a few days ago, as a crowd called for secession in the lone star state. I say; let Texas secede! Why? America is often looked at by the rest of the world as a "fat" and "obese" nation. Which city is the least healthy? Houston. Which state is that in? Texas. Also, the U.S. would save millions of dollars not only by letting Texas become its own nation, but we wouldn't have to build a fence at the border in that state, allowing the funds to be focused in the more western states. Also, Governor Rick Perry and Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison wouldn't have to be seen debating on American tv when the time comes, why do I want to watch an old cow girl argue for single-sex schools against a religious zealot who plays baseball with the head of northerners? The only argument about keeping Texas is that my reasoning in this spoof makes more sense than the arguments being made by people who actually give a crap about this topic. 

Oprah starts 24th season

Chicago, IL - Former skinny woman and former interesting talk show host Oprah Wimfrey  will have a party celebrating her shows 24 years on the air. The reason for this party is to celebrate the 24 years so many Americans have watched and listened to Oprah on a lot of issues. In a way, Oprah is an inspiring figure like Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King JR., Ronald Regan, and Cliff Clavin. Yes, I did say Cliff Clavin. Like Clavin, Oprah has spent all of her time talking above her head, except she is smarter than Cliff in one way; she has made more money. The sad part for Oprah is, well, she is real. So, Oprah, congrats on spending 24 years talking about nothing and making money for it. 

Obama, Palin debate healthcare

Washington D.C.- President Barack Obama and author of the book " Death Panels and Seeing Russia" Sarah Palin continued their debate on healthcare today. The President was reported to have said "the public option is the cool thing to do, so lets do it" while the former "Miss Russia" and John McCain poster girl Palin was reported to have said " Everyone hates public tv and public pools, so why make healthcare public?" Experts say that Obama's diving polling numbers and Palin's diving i.q. means this debate re-invents them both. One reporter even suggested that " If Palin wants to run in 2012, she needs to prove she isn't as stupid as Paris Hilton." The same reported said " The President is trying to win back the left wing of his party, the problem is, the left-wing democrats are to busy focusing on Michael Jackson's autopsy to give healthcare a look at the time." In addition, two leaders from both parties chimed in. One former republican senator stated that " Republicans want to move away from Palin like O.J. wanted to move to Florida." A democratic insider said " we are proud to call Barack Obama our president and we will support his efforts to push healthcare reform, for we need change and hope. I mean it, after 8 years of deficits, we need change. So, our president took the initiative in changing the debt from historically high levels to historically higher levels. Thats an example of change."