Hefner to marry

Playboy Founder Hu Hefner, age 84, is set to marry Ms. Crystal Heart, who's claim to fame is posing naked for playboy. An 84 year old marrying a 24 year old? Wow. Why wait, Hef could have married a newborn when he was 60. He also says that "viagra works." I am so happy for him! Congrats to the new couple! Its the American dream. What was with these 1950s television shows where there was a mother, father, and two kids? Now, we have old geezers marrying gold-diggers. But Mr. Hefner does not have Ms. Heart to himself, the ENTIRE WORLD CAN SEE WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE!

Larry King confession

Larry King  might have confessed, off-camera of course, that he really wanted to be a hair stylist when he grew up. King, who has been attempting to ask questions for the past 400 years, admitted he was a flaming homosexual who wore suspenders because his body could not support itself after his 338th birthday, and that the fact that he married a go-go dancer was just a show for his many loyal fans. King stated that the last time he changed his clothes was in 1955. Also, Larry admitted the reason he poses as an old woman who asks perverted questions is for image, and because his idol, Bill O'Riley, does the same thing. King even went as far as saying CNN only hired him because its owner lost a bet to Fox. The bet was if King was even human. Fox News believed King was not human and CNN thought he was. Chris Matthews, King's 1,277th lover, stated he was not human thus Fox winning the bet and instead getting to pick bimbos from all over the place while CNN was stuck with Old man King. 

Google is watching you

The Google, the world-wide famous search site, is watching you. Google's satellite imaging now will include images of everyones driveway, so google can see who is taking out the trash or getting the mail in pajamas and who isn't. The folks at google also want to know what ads should appear on your screen based on your interests. This way, those who visit diet food sites can get ads from McDonalds, and those who sites dealing with the environment can see ads for Wal-Mart and other stores who knock down trees. 

Alec Baldwin wins emmy

Former human being and present-day robot Alec Baldwin won an emmy for the show "30 Rock", a show about a reality tv series about a starving prostitute named Tina Fey who finds herself in show biz with the first openly a-sexual Hollywood type, Miss Alec Baldwin ( who really is a-sexual. ) Balwin won because of the fact that people laugh at him. He was called " mirror killer " in high school and went into acting after his idol, himself, decided to.  

AWESRTYUHJ

McDonalds to create a new health menu

For years, they have been touting cheap food and fast-food. But now, McDonalds is trying something new; health food. The cooperate memo states that " if our roast beef is green, it must be healthy" and " we need to put tons of corn syrup in our products, because corn is healthy." A company spokesman confirms that " McDonalds uses the best of everything, everything is hand-picked by cheap labor, and its all natural, the cheap labor doesn't even wash their hands." Film maker Michael Moore, who made a movie about the healthcare industry, says he's disgusted by McDonalds. Moore in his own words; " I am fat, okay. Let me become fat with cheap processed beef and fries that have more oil in them that Saudi Arabia, then give me healthcare. Its how I feel and how America feels." 

Records: Jackson never sang, but danced

It was revealed that Michael Jackson never sang his own songs. He wrote them, but contracted Lawrence Welk to imitate a transgender circus clown while singing pop songs. In 1992, when Welk passed away, MJ has recieved his sex-change operation and was then able to sing on his own, or so he thought. In all of his shows after '92, the year Welk died, Jackson used recordings of Welk and hired some random transgender circus clown to sing for him. As for his dancing, Jackson was talented their; for Jackson spent the first 12 years of his life in a go-go bar.